The secret

I know now about the lie my mom told me 10 years ago. She had to tell me what she did because she had to make sure I wouldn't ever want to look for him. Who want to look for a dad, dozens of years later who wanted nothing to do with you? She told me that because she never told him that she was pregnant.

She disappeared from his life. Left his town. Never contacted him again. She didn't want a baby to ruin his life. He was still a baby himself, in high school. She didn't want him to drop out, to have to get a job and support her and the unborn baby she was carrying. She wanted him to live his life, finish high school, go to college. She was young, she was completely scared and so she left to deal with it herself.

I am not mad at her. I can't be. And I'll tell you why. Because even though I have no doubt my life would be great with my dad in it from the start, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have had to go through everything, feel the heartbreak, feel the raw emotions and vulnerability. I wouldn't have had to pick up my own broken heart, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am worth it and I'm going to do everything I can to make this life perfect. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have had my beautiful children. I wouldn't ever look at each one of them and wonder all over again how someone could not love their child, and that wonder would turn to strength and that strength to determination. I might have felt unloved but my children never will. They will never question their dad's love. They will never feel alone. I will make sure of that, for the rest of my life. I could have turned out much differently in the same situation, but I didn't. I care too much, I want to do things for others, I want to love the world. And I was just starting to love me. I had a husband, 3 kids, a house, I didn't have to work outside the home. Life could be good. It was flowing right along for years. Yet almost once a week, I thought about my dad. Who he was. If he ever thought about me. If, maybe, he changed after all these years and did want something to do with me. This was, of course before my mom told me she lied. In fact, just 2 days before I knew, I was having another daydream about who my dad was. I told myself I had to stop doing this because each and every time, it left me crying. I am 31 years old. My dreams of a dad are never going to happen. It's too late. This will be the last time.